So there is this amazing man. He is gorgeous! He has an amazing personality! He is funny! He is smart! He is accomplished! He is single! He is a great father. And….(dramatic pause)….he is a great friend..ugh. For months, maybe even years, I have spent time getting to know this man. He is not perfect, as a matter of fact to a lot of people he may be considered the opposite. He doesn’t follow the norm, he makes his own rules and most people would say run like the wind. Well I’m still here and the only direction I want to run is toward him?
There are people that I find attractive. There have been people that I have great chemistry with but there has not been anyone in the last 20 years that just drives me crazy like he does. He makes me nervous and anxious but at the same time he brings an incredible comfort. He is tough on the outside but probably one of the sweetest men I know. He notices little things and makes a point to acknowledge them. The what ifs constantly run through my head. It doesn’t matter what the scenario, I can picture him there, in every situation. I want to be better because of him, I want to be better for him!
When we are anywhere together I get lost in his presence and I feel ignorant like that is something kids would do. I can’t help but stare. His walk, his attitude, the way he pulls his shit up off his ass when he walks, his smirk when he is right and oh lord his big brown eyes! We can sit for hours and barely talk, we can sit for hours and talk about anything and everything.
I have so much love for this man that I don’t know what to do with. We have been friends for so many years and I don’t know what changed. I don’t know when that one day was that I stopped looking at him like every other friend and let myself start to feel something that I shouldn’t? And am I wrong to be so excited about it?
To be continued…
Wife, mother, provider, supporter…for years of my life this is who I have been. I love every minute of being every one of those people. My family is the most important thing to me and like many of you, I would do everything to protect them and make them happy everyday. I spend every moment making sure all of their needs and wants are met. I spend all of my extra time anticipating their next needs and wants so that I have those covered too. Many tease them that they are spoiled and many criticize my parenting but I have gave them the 100 percent that signed up for from the beginning.
Somehow I got lost in being her over the last many years. Somehow all those things that are suppose to be the normal things in life that bring you happiness and fulfillment are bringing boredom and irritation. I love to watch them all grow and find their own success and I love knowing that I had a part in shaping them into becoming the amazing people they are but I also love knowing that they don’t need me like they used to.
To be brutally honest today, I find myself juggling her to make time for me. I have a great life and I feel bad for wanting more. I feel bad for not wanting to stick to this plan that I have been apart of for so many years. Mid life crisis..maybe. Normal..maybe. The worst part is everyone wants to fix it but I don’t want to fix anything. I want the new adventures, I want to explore new interest, I want to live a carefree life full of excitement like I had all those years ago!
I think that we all have amazing connections to different people everywhere. Many of those connections are limited by what is appropriate to say given the time, location and community in which we meet. I love to be able to say the things that are truely on my mind and not be judged or questioned by them from anyone, who knows you may be thinking the same things? That’s what this blog is all about; spicey, dicey, dull and real life! Hope you enjoy it..